


Cancer

by RandomSlasher (Randomslasher), Thuri



Category: Scrubs
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-11
Updated: 2006-12-11
Packaged: 2017-10-22 17:31:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/240683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randomslasher/pseuds/RandomSlasher, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thuri/pseuds/Thuri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Perry starts getting severe headaches, JD fears the worst...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cancer

**Author's Note:**

> Very, _very_ depressing. Seriously, folks--this one's heavy. No happy ending. Character death. Angst, drama, the works.

"Newbie, will you please calm _down_?"

JD paused in his pacing, glancing up at Perry; the older man was sitting on the edge of the exam table, wearing only boxers and a hospital gown. He was watching JD with a slightly amused look on his face, and his bare feet, crossed at the ankles, were swinging casually.

Basically, he looked like he didn't have a care in the world. Which, of course, only made JD want to worry enough for both of them.

"I'll calm down when Dr. Dopp comes in and tells us everything's fine," he retorted shortly, beginning his pacing again.

"Of _course_ everything's fine, Jocelyn," Perry scoffed. "For pity's sake, it's a _headache._ Not like my head's started rotating or I've begun to speak in tongues. Right?"

JD gave him a Look but otherwise didn't reply. He knew Perry was simply trying to bait him with the girl's names and the jokes, but right now, he wasn't going for it. Besides, it was more than a headache, though that had him worried enough. Perry'd been drowsy for the last few weeks, and more than once he'd complained of muscle fatigue. Not to mention the fact that he was getting a little forgetful, and his concentration at work had started to slip. JD had had to bail him out just a few days ago, when he'd started to write an order to increase the oxygen on Mrs. Hobbson, forgetting that she was COPD--yeah. It wasn't just a headache. JD returned to biting his nails.

He hoped he was being silly. Hoped it was simply a case of "when the only tool you've got is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail." But since picking his specialty in oncology, he'd seen a headache and drowsiness turn out to be the first signs of something seriously wrong much too often. So when Perry had again awoken groaning softly, he'd made him promise to get it checked out.

"Why?" Perry had groused, even as he rubbed at his temples. "It's just a headache.

"Just... humor me, okay?" JD had responded, leaning over him and kissing him softly to distract him from the pain.

"Fine," he'd finally agreed. "But only if I get to make fun of you when we find out it's nothing."

JD had smiled, though it was tight. "Deal," he'd agreed. After all, if it _did_ turn out to be nothing, well... being made fun of would be perfectly fine by him.

JD switched to his middle finger, down to gnawing flesh on the index. "He should get here any time..."

Perry watched him, the smile slipping when he realized JD was no longer paying attention. In truth, Perry was a little anxious to know what the MRI had revealed as well. He'd had headaches before, but these... he shuddered. Waking up to the utter certainty your brain was making a last-ditch effort to escape your skull by simply expanding until the bone shattered was _not_ a pleasant experience, and it had become something of a frequent one in the past few weeks. In truth, even if JD hadn't insisted he get checked out, Perry knew he wouldn't have been able to avoid it much longer.

JD sighed, dropping his hand, frowning at the raw flesh on his finger for a moment. "How long does it take to get one test result...Oh!" He stood up straighter as Dr. Dopp came in. The tall, lanky man looked worried, but then he _always_ looked worried, so that really didn't tell them anything. "Well?" he asked, resisting the urge to snatch the chart out of the other man's hand. Wouldn't be a terribly professional thing to do, but he wanted to know.

"Ah, Dr. Cox... I've examined your MRI scans, and we... well, we found something," he said, brushing a hand over his thinning hair. "A large, differentiated mass on the cerebral cortex. We'll need to do some more tests to be sure, of course, and we'll need a biopsy, but right now it... it looks like a glioblastoma multiforme."

 _No. No, it's not possible..._ A thousand clichés went through JD's head--rocks in his stomach, time stopping, sinking sensations--but none of them came close to describing the feeling that rushed through him. But then, it wasn't every day someone told you your lover was going to die...He supposed he could forgive himself for not finding a way to describe how he felt. _Glioblastoma multiforme. Less than three months, untreated, median survival time with therapy, including surgical resection, radiation therapy, and chemotherapy is maybe 12 months. Less than a quarter of patients live 2 years, less than five percent for five..._ The statistics ran through his head in an instant--he could almost picture the textbook page he'd first read them on.

He knew he looked stricken, and tried to push it away, looking over at Perry.

 _Well, that sucks._ Perry closed his mouth, turning from Dopp and looking up at JD. The younger doctor's face was blank--a carefully constructed expression Perry knew he'd spent hours perfecting, once he'd decided to specialize in a field that frequently had to give bad news--but he knew him well enough to recognize the turmoil of emotions in his eyes.

"Of course, we can't know for sure," Dopp offered weakly, looking from one to the other. "We'll still have to do the biopsy after the resection, and I'll have Dr. Moyer look at the slides for a second opinion..."

"Dr. Dopp?" Perry cut him off. "Would you mind maybe just... giving us a few minutes? This is kind of a lot to deal with."

"I... of course," Dopp said, looking thrilled to have a reason to leave the room. He nodded to JD, and backed out, bumping into the doorjamb on the way and apologizing to it before he realized what it was.

Perry waited until the door closed behind him, and rolled his eyes. "That man has the worst bedside manner of any doctor in this place," he commented, glancing at JD. "How you doing, Newbie?"

 _Doing a lot better than you..._ The words floated through JD's mind, and he frowned slightly, pushing them back. "I'm all right. We won't know anything for sure until after the biopsy results are back...So no point in worrying too much right now." Yeah. No point to worry. Not like that was going to stop him. "How about you?"

Perry shrugged. "Little headachy, but I guess we at least know why now, huh?" He closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead. This was heavy stuff. "Look, oncology's definitely not my specialty, but keep in mind it's not Dr. Dopp's, either. We don't know anything yet, like you said, so I guess we'll just have to sit tight."

JD swallowed hard, and nodded, wishing he could get a look at Perry's slides himself. But he wasn't going to leave the room, not now, not when--even if it wasn't as bad as Dopp thought it was--they'd just found out Perry had a fucking brain tumor. "You're right. And he's completely a worst case scenario guy...no need to get too worried, now." He smiled, and reached over to squeeze Perry's hand lightly. He wanted to make a joke, ease the tension, but...he couldn't think of anything.

Perry glanced up at him, a rueful half-smile on his lips. "And I'm betting the fact that we both keep _saying_ that means we're worrying anyway, doesn't it?" he murmured, squeezing JD's hand in his.

JD's lips twisted wryly. "Yeah, I'd say so. Hey, no matter what it is, we'll get through it. I won't even tease you while your hair's growing back in. At least, not much." He wished he could think of the right thing to say, the right thing to do, but none of his training helped, now, when it was his own lover...

Perry swallowed, inching a little closer toward JD on the examining table, wanting to lean against him but not wanting to ask. He settled for tightening his hand. "Maybe Ted will let me borrow one of his wigs," he joked, weakly.

JD slipped his arm around Perry, pulling him close. "Dude, no way I'm going to be seen with you in one of those tacky things. We can find something that doesn't look like a small dog..."

Perry turned his head to rest it against JD's chest, closing his eyes. He tried to draw strength and comfort from the younger man's physical presence, but the truth was, he was scared. And not just about the cancer, either. It was all well and good to joke about things like his hair loss right now, when he still looked and, for the most part, _felt_ , perfectly fine. But how would things change between them, when the chemo started to take its toll--when he began to lose control of his body, to look and feel like an old man?

He shoved the thought aside angrily. He was being unfair, and he knew it. Yeah, JD was young, but they'd been together for over a year now, and if the younger doctor had proven _anything_ in that time, it was his utter commitment to Perry and Jack. They were a family, now, and they'd see this out together.

Wouldn't they?

He pressed closer to JD, winding an arm around the younger man's waist, trying to still the voice of doubt in his mind. "Yeah," he responded finally, not entirely sure what the topic had been but wanting to break the silence--to hear JD talk to him, tell him how everything was going to be fine. Or, if not, then just to hear the sound of his voice. "We'll figure this out."

"We will," JD said firmly, wondering if Perry'd heard him teasing. Probably not, he didn't seem to be listening. "You'll be fine, Perry, you know neither of us will settle for anything else. And we're both getting too worried too soon...How many times have we told patients not to freak out until we know what's happening?"

Perry sighed. "I now have a greater amount of sympathy for the ones who freak out anyway," he said, humming a little as JD's fingers crept into his hair and began to gently massage his scalp. "God, thanks... this stupid headache won't fucking quit, you know it?"

"Increased ICP," JD murmured, thinking ironically that when he'd decided on oncology as his specialty, he'd never expected his expertise to be put to use in this particular fashion. "I'll get your PCP to write you a script for Dexamethasone. Should help."

"Mm. Thanks," Perry murmured.

"You're welcome." JD kept up the gentle massage, trying not to picture the tumor hiding only inches beneath his fingertips. But even as his fingers moved, his mind was already working at the problem, trying to make plans. He needed more information...and they weren't going to get it just sitting here. Still, he found himself reluctant to pull away and go searching for answers, when Perry needed him.

Moments later it became a moot point anyway. There was a brief knock on the door, and JD looked up in time to see Dr. Zeltzer walk in, an orderly with a wheelchair following at his heels. "Doctors," Zeltzer greeted. "Dr. Cox, I just had a look at your slides, and I wanted to let you know that we're already working to schedule you into surgery to do a resection. In the meantime I thought we could go ahead and get you admitted, and start outlining a course of treatment for you."

"I... yeah, okay," Perry murmured, pulling away from JD's half-embrace and scrubbing at his eyes.

JD squeezed his shoulder, eyes briefly meeting Zeltzer's as he pulled away. What he saw in them made him shiver. _No, I'm just imagining things because I'm worried. He_ has _to be all right..._

Perry slid off the table and walked over to the wheelchair, slumping down into it and putting his feet up on the rests. The orderly began to back the chair out of the room, but JD moved forward. "Hey, look, I'll take care of that, okay?" he said, moving behind Perry and taking over the wheelchair handles. The orderly nodded, vanishing down the hallway, and JD looked back up at Zeltzer. "Page me after Moyer looks at the slides," he said softly. "I want to be kept up-to-date on this."

"Of course," Zeltzer said. "Should be half an hour or so; I've already paged him."

"Thanks," JD murmured, then began to wheel Perry down the hallway toward admissions.

Perry was silent, fingers clenched tightly in his lap. _GBM. Great. Of all the cancers to get, I had to end up with the most aggressive one with the poorest prognosis. Well, I never do anything half-assed, do I?_ He shook himself a little, reminding himself they didn't know for sure, but he knew they were kidding themselves. What were the odds that _this_ would be the one time Dopp had been wrong?

 _Not good._

He sighed, shoulders hunching defensively, almost wishing it wasn't JD behind him. At least if it was a random orderly he wouldn't feel so bad about wanting to break down. But he wouldn't, not as long as JD was there, and doing a much better job of keeping it together than Perry was, he might add.

 _I can do this_ , he thought, a little desperately. _If he can be strong, I can too._

Still... didn't mean he couldn't do with some distraction. "Hey, Newbie? Could you..." he paused, not entirely sure what he wanted to ask; he wanted to change the subject, but the only things that jumped to his mind weren't exactly accomplishing that: _Call Jordan, let her know she'll have to keep Jack this week; call Kelso, let him know my shifts need to be covered..._ It seemed no matter where he tried to turn his thoughts, this kept creeping in.

 _Well, yeah, Perry,_ he thought sardonically. _Cancer tends to do that._

He realized he hadn't finished his request; he opened his mouth to fall back on something lame, like _Could you get me a glass of water_ , but what came out instead was, "Could you stay with me tonight?"

He winced at how pathetic he was sure that sounded. He tried to cover his tracks, adding hastily, "I mean--you don't have t--ah, shit." He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed at them with his fingers. "How sorry a picture do _I_ make?" he muttered.

"Of course I'll stay," JD replied immediately, relieved Perry'd finally finished his sentence. "I'd want to be on hand anyway. And you're doing better than a lot of people," he added softly, squeezing Perry's shoulder before straightening again, a little surprised at how steady his voice was. Part of him was freaking out, but he kept that part separate, knowing he'd deal with it later. For now...for now he had other things to think about, to do, and he couldn't be panicky to handle them.

Perry flushed, ashamed he was only inches from breaking down completely when JD was so calm and collected. He nodded mutely, resolving to keep his mouth shut, and let the younger man push him to the admissions desk. He listened half-heartedly as JD talked to the nurse there in low undertones. He did look up when he heard the beeper clipped to JD's scrubs suddenly beep, and watched as JD frowned, reading the message there. He turned and knelt in front of Perry.

"Perry, that's Dr. Zeltzer," he said softly. "He's spoken to Moyer, and they want to talk to me. I'm going to go see what they've found, but I'll be back as soon as I can, okay? They're going to admit you to the third floor." _The oncology ward,_ Perry added silently in his head, but didn't voice the thought. JD continued to speak. "I'm going to have them send you something to eat, too--I don't know when they'll be able to work you into surgery, but it'll be sooner rather than later if I have anything to say about it, so you might have to be NPO pretty soon. Try to eat something, okay?"

Perry nodded, doing his best to smile for JD, though he was relieved when the younger man stood, turning back to the nurse. "This is my pager number," he said, scrawling it on a scrap of paper he pulled from his pocket. "I want you to let me know what room they put him in."

"Of course," she said. JD looked down at Perry again and smiled, reaching down to squeeze his shoulder again. "I'll be back as soon as I can," he murmured.

Then he was gone. The nurse wordlessly took the handles of Perry's wheelchair, walking him over to one of the booths nearby to fill out his admissions paperwork. "This shouldn't take long," she said. "Since you're an employee your records will mostly be on file..."

Perry tuned her out, filling out the forms she shoved in front of him and answering questions when prompted, but mostly trying to keep his mind blank. He wondered what, if anything, JD was learning, back up in Radiology.

* * *

JD all but ran the distance, as soon as he was out of Perry's sight, trying to put the look in the older man's eyes out of his mind. He never would've thought, if asked, that he'd be the one holding things together in a situation like this. Oh, he was usually good in a crisis--kind of difficult to be an effective doctor if you weren't, after all--but this was a personal crisis, and was bigger than any he remembered, and he was calm, collected, doing what he had to, while Perry looked to be on the edge.

 _Well, it's not happening to me. Who knows how I'd be reacting if I was the one who just found out he had cancer...Oh fuck._ He pushed down another twinge of worry, a rising seed of panic, and hurried more quickly through the halls.

Zeltzer was talking to Moyer quietly when JD finally arrived; both men looked up at him with such sympathy that JD knew instantly it was going to be bad.

"Dr. Dorian," Zeltzer said, moving forward. "I'm afraid our news isn't terribly good."

JD swallowed the fear that again tried to strangle him and nodded. "It is a glioblastoma multiforme, then?" he said softly.

Zeltzer nodded, slowly. "I'm afraid it looks like it," he said. "We will, of course, still need the biopsy, but... if that does indeed come back positive, which we feel pretty certain it will, then yes." He took another step forward. "I'm sorry," he said softly, studying JD's face; JD and Perry had made no effort to hide, so the nature of their relationship was pretty common knowledge throughout the hospital.

JD closed his eyes for a moment, but gave no other outward sign. A year. Statistics said they'd have a year together. Two if they were very, _very_ lucky. No, dammit, he wasn't going to accept that. It wasn't enough....Not nearly enough time, not after all they'd spent dancing around each other. There had to be something he could do, some treatment he could find...

All this flashed through his mind quickly, and he opened his eyes and nodded. "Thank you. How soon can we schedule the resection?"

If Zeltzer was surprised by JD's calm, he masked it well. "I've already spoken to the chief of surgery," he said. "We can get him in tomorrow afternoon."

JD nodded again. "Thank you," he said again quietly. Then, "Do you mind if I take a moment to look at the slides?"

"I--of course," Dr. Moyer said, frowning a little as he glanced at Zeltzer. "I'm going to just... I'll just be going, unless you need me...?"

Zeltzer shook his head, and JD ignored them both, walking up to the screens and staring at the black and white slides--the slides of Perry's brain--and the fist-sized, uneven dark spot that was his death sentence.

 _No._ A desperate calm had taken over, and as he stared at the slides, aware that Moyer had left and that Zeltzer soon followed but not caring, he decided he simply would not accept this. Wasn't it only a century ago that people died of infections, the flu, appendicitis--things that could now be cured with penicillin, antibiotics, simple surgical procedures? No, there was an answer to this. It was biology. There was a problem, and if he looked long enough, hard enough, there would be an answer, too.

He didn't stir until his pager went off, giving him Perry's room number. Nodding to himself he headed off to it, already trying to remember what he knew of clinical trials, experimental therapies...He'd have to get to a computer and do some serious research, as soon as Perry was settled. Good thing he could hook up his laptop in the room, get some use out of the time Perry'd spend sleeping, that night.

As set as he was going to be for what he had to do, JD pushed the door open and offered Perry what he hoped was a reassuring smile. Should've asked Zeltzer if they were letting him break the news... "Hey."

Perry looked up, starting to return the smile, but it faded when he saw the look on JD's face. The kid was... calm. Perfectly, stonily calm. And it wasn't the fake calm of before, either--his eyes were silent, distant, even though the smile remained plastered on JD's face.

 _Wherever he is, he's miles from here_ , Perry thought with dismay. "Hey," he replied. "What's the word?"

"You're going in for surgery tomorrow afternoon," JD replied, letting the door shut behind him before taking a seat on the edge of the bed. He knew he had to tell Perry that it looked like GBM, to his own eyes as well as everyone else's, but he could've wished Zeltzer had beat him here... "We won't know until the biopsy comes back, of course, but it looks like Dopp was right."

Perry nodded slowly. "Okay," he said softly, looking down at the tray of turkey and potatoes sitting in congealing gravy, and the sad pile of shriveled peas beside them, that sat on the bedside table. He drew a breath then released it slowly. "Did... did they give you a prognosis?"

"No..." But then they hadn't really had to, JD knew the conventional opinions, and he'd seen the slides. He slid closer, taking Perry's hand in his, squeezing his fingers lightly. "But I saw your slides. I won't lie to you, Perry, it's...if it _is_ GBM, it's a year with aggressive treatment, maybe two at the most. But there are new clinical trials, they're experimenting with some therapies in Chicago...I'm not going to let this take you from me, all right?"

Perry looked up, a small niggle of alarm beginning to work its way through the haze of disbelief and terror that had been his afternoon so far. "I... JD--look, if..." he trailed off, biting his lip, but eventually nodded. If this was what JD needed right now--if this was how he was coping--well, Perry wouldn't take that from him yet. Let him have a day or week or even just a few hours of believing this would be all right, because soon enough, there'd be no pretending for either of them, anymore. "Okay," he murmured, looking down at their entwined fingers.

JD frowned a little, and let go of Perry's hand, turning around to slip his arm around the other man, rubbing his back gently. "I love you," he offered, after a long moment's silence, spent trying to think of something to say.

Perry closed his eyes, lowering his head, trying to still the shudders that had taken over his body. "I love you," he whispered back. "JD, I... I'm..." he shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut, clenching his jaw as he tried to slow his breathing.

"I'm scared, too," JD whispered, holding him closer. "And hey, we're alone, no one else'd know, if you need to lose it a little..."

Perry drew a sharp breath and let it out on a half-sob, curling onto his side and hiding his face in the juncture of JD's neck and shoulder. He slid one arm around JD's waist, scrunching his eyes more tightly closed, hating himself for the tears that slipped free anyway. He was still shaking, almost violently, and he tried to curl closer to JD, hoping he could somehow hide from this thing--that maybe, if JD held him close enough, the cancer wouldn't find him. He knew he wasn't being terribly rational, but the pain in his head and the terror in his heart wouldn't let him think otherwise.

JD held him as close as he could, trying to absorb the shaking sobs, murmuring soft reassurances he wouldn't remember later. He tried not to let his own fear and worry get out of control. Perry needed him now...so he ignored them, pushed them down again, reminded himself he'd find an answer. It was enough that his answering tears dried well before Perry pulled back. They'd beat this. They had to. He couldn't even begin to consider the alternative.

* * *

Perry had drifted off, held in JD's arms; the dexamethanol had finally kicked in, and the sheer relief of the fading of his headache, coupled with the comfort of being held through his breakdown, had made him fall into a deep, restful sleep.

He wasn't sure what time it was, but the room was completely dark when he woke again.

Well, almost completely dark. From beside the bed, the glow of JD's laptop computer's monitor cast the room in an odd half-light, one that stretched far enough to illuminate the young man's frowning face.

Perry lifted an eyebrow, watching him in silence for a moment, before murmuring, "You're going to go blind if you keep reading like that."

JD jumped, slightly, when Perry spoke, but smiled. "Haven't yet," he replied, still scanning the article on the screen in front of him. He reached the end, and looked up. "How're you feeling?"

Perry paused, considering. The pounding in his skull had remained at bay, now only the faintest glimmer of pain. Compared to what he was used to, it was so scarce he barely noticed it. Other than that, he was simply tired. He smiled. "Pretty good, actually," he responded. Then, "What are you doing, anyway? What time is it?"

"Just after three," JD replied, stretching, his joints making a rapid series of popping noises. "You were snoring, so I figured you were doing better." He smiled, and yawned. "And I'm just doing a little research. Couldn't sleep."

Perry raised his eyebrows, looking JD over. "You certainly look like you could now," he said. He slid back on the bed, making a space, which he patted with his hand. "Care to give it another try?"

"In a bit, yeah. I just want to finish reading this case study..." JD yawned again, but shook his head, blinking at the screen. He'd gone soft, staying up this late after a full day would've been easy as an intern...

Perry frowned. "JD... look at you. You're dead on your feet. Or your ass, as it were," he joked. "Come on, kid. Come to bed already, before you nod off and that fancy laptop of yours ends up in a million pieces when you drop it on the floor."

"It hasn't yet, and Jack's knocked it over half a dozen times..." But JD shut the laptop, blinking in the sudden dark, giving his eyes time to adjust before crawling onto the bed with Perry. He yawned once more, hearing his jaw crack as he did. "Sleep does sound good, though," he offered, laying his head on Perry's shoulder, one arm across his chest.

Perry wrapped him in his arms, comfortable again with the solid weight of the younger man's body back where it belonged. "So what were you researching, anyway?" he murmured, more to simply stave off sleep for a few more moments than anything else. It was the first time they'd been able to lie comfortably together without Perry's head attempting to implode in well over three weeks, and Perry had missed being able to focus on the sheer physical comfort and pleasure of having JD pressed against him.

JD hesitated for a moment. This was so nice, the two of them pressed together, feeling Perry's arms around him...he didn't want to ruin it, by bringing up what he'd been doing. Not that he'd found anything remotely encouraging, but then he hadn't been looking long...And they didn't know for sure what type of tumor it was yet. He finally shrugged, snuggling closer. "Something for a patient...Just trying to keep busy until I got tired again."

Perry smiled, hidden in JD's hair. "You're one dedicated doctor, Newbie," he murmured, already drifting again. "Find what you were looking for?"

JD felt a sudden swell of emotion rise within him, and he snuggled closer to Perry, listening as his breathing got deeper. "Not yet," he whispered.

 _But I'll be damned if I'm going to stop trying._

* * *

They came for him a few hours later.

JD was shaken awake gently by a night-shift nurse who smiled at him sympathetically; he, in turn, had leaned over to wake Perry. "Hey," he whispered. "It's time."

Perry'd opened his eyes, taking in the sight of the orderlies around him, and nodded, though he circled JD's wrist with his hand for a moment when JD started to pull away. "Hey. See you in a few hours, right?"

JD leaned forward and hugged him; Perry returned the embrace tightly before releasing the younger doctor. "Of course," JD murmured.

Then he'd slid off the bed and walked alongside it as far as they'd let him go, watching the double-doors swing shut after his lover had disappeared through them before returning to fetch his laptop. At least he could get some more research done...

He was still looking, hours later, when Perry was returned to his room, sill out cold from the general anesthetic. He had a gauze bandage wound around his head, one that didn't quite obscure the fact that he on longer had any hair, but he was still the only thing JD wanted to see. He slid his chair closer to the bed, when the orderlies who'd wheeled him in had left, and taken his hand for a moment, kissing it gently. Then he'd returned his attention to his computer.

Perry was still asleep when Dr. Zeltzer came in a few hours later, and the look on his face made JD's heart sink. "It's bad, isn't it?" he murmured.

Zeltzer sighed, but nodded. "I'm afraid the biopsy results came back positive for GBM," the older oncologist said. "It's also... it was more differentiated than we'd originally thought, and the post-op CT slides showed there are inoperable cancerous regions extending further into the cortex than we estimated based on the preliminary MRI."

JD closed his eyes briefly, then stood, approaching the older man and taking the chart from his fingers. "What are our options, then?" he said, glancing through it, reading the reports.

"Dr. Dorian... you know as well as I do that treatment for this kind of tumor is palliative only," Zeltzer replied. "If Dr. Cox wishes it, of course, we will try all available measures--chemo, radiation, anything we have, but... it's a delay at best. We might buy him another two or three months if we're lucky."

JD shook his head sharply. "Those are just the conventional measures," he replied. "What about clinical trials, experimental cocktails...?"

Zeltzer looked at him, gaze full of pity. "Dr. Dorian, this is aggressive," he murmured. "It's spreading quickly, and there are only so many things we can do to slow it down. Those clinical trials are just that: _trials._ I don't think..."

"What's his prognosis, if we rely on conventional means only?" JD interrupted.

"Given the amount of the tumor we weren't able to resect, and it's current rate of growth..." Zeltzer hesitated, then said: "Ten months. Twelve if we're really lucky."

JD snapped the chart closed, trying to resist the urge to argue further. Zeltzer was good--weird and a little creepy, but good--but he was as traditional as they came, too. And traditional wasn't going to get them out of this. But even if Zeltzer wasn't going to actively help look for other treatments, JD didn't want to alienate him right off. He'd at least want his grudging agreement, after all, when he found something. "Thank you, Paul, I know you'll do the best you can," he said quietly, handing the chart back. "You'll understand if I keep looking?"

Zeltzer looked mildly surprised by the use of his first name, but the pity in his eyes didn't disappear. "The chances of finding anything..."

"Are incredibly low, I know," JD finished for him. "I'm still going to look."

"Well, I guess... do what you gotta do," the oncologist shrugged. "But try not to get your hopes too high, okay, Dr. Dorian? I know how much you care about him, but I don't want you to be tempted to blame yourself, if you can't find anything to save him."

"I'll blame myself more if I just sit here and watch him die," JD replied, his voice soft as he looked down at Perry. This couldn't be happening to them...but it was.

Zeltzer sighed, but nodded. "All right," he said. "If you find something, let me know, and I'll... we'll see if we can't give it a try."

JD couldn't stop the small smile that spread across his face. "Thank you. I'll definitely let you know."

Zeltzer nodded, and turned to leave the room. JD stood at the foot of the bed, staring at the chart, hoping something would come to him, but he knew if the chart had belonged to anyone but Perry, he'd've agreed with Zeltzer. These results... they simply weren't good. That was all there was to it.

He sighed, looking over at Perry, who was still sleeping. God, this wasn't _fair._

* * *

JD threw himself into research, every spare moment he had. Even after Perry came home, a few days later, he spent hours on his laptop, when the other man was asleep, or just resting. He tried to keep it relatively quiet--Perry had enough to deal with, and JD didn't want to tell him what he was doing until he had a solid idea in mind. His own heart ached from the constant up and down of his emotions, as he followed promising leads only to have them end in disappointment. He wouldn't do that to Perry.

A few days after Perry came home, JD was lost in an article about someone who'd survived several years so far, trying not to let hope rise up in him again. He was so absorbed in what he was doing, he didn't hear Perry come into the room.

"Hey," Perry said softly, after watching JD from the doorway for a moment. He'd not seen a whole lot of the younger man the last few days. Granted, he'd been asleep for a lot of them, but still.

JD looked up, and smiled, trying to ignore how exhausted Perry looked. "Hey. Good nap?"

"Could've been better," Perry said, winking at JD. "But no complaints, I guess." He moved forward, tugging the chair next to JD out from the table and lowering himself into it. "What're you up to?"

JD shut the laptop, reaching over and taking one of Perry's hands in his. "Just some research stuff. Don't want to fall behind on anything while I'm on vacation," he added with a wink. It was hardly the vacation he would've picked, but still...spending time with Perry away from work wasn't all bad, even if the reason sucked ass. And he'd gotten the leave of absence he'd requested with no trouble.

"Ah." Perry gave him a half-smile. He cast about for something to say, wondering why he kept feeling as though JD were shutting him out. _Don't be ridiculous. He's here, isn't he? He certainly doesn't have to be._ "So... would you maybe want to come watch a movie or something?" It wasn't the most terribly exciting suggestion ever, he knew, but it was something they could do together that wouldn't wear him out in five minutes, at least.

JD hesitated, one hand on the laptop. He wanted to curl up with Perry, just hold him, make snarky comments about whatever they decided to watch. He really did. But there'd be time for that when he had this figured out. "I'm going to keep working for a bit, I think. I want to get this finished, so it won't be over my head. But I'll join you in a bit?"

For a moment, Perry had no response, surprise and a small prick of hurt washing through him. But he shook himself quickly, rolling his eyes at himself. _Come on, Perry. It's not like he doesn't have better things to do than hold your hand every second of the day. Besides, he's probably scared, and this is how he's coping. Chill._ He nodded, forcing a smile to his face. "Okay," he said, hoping JD didn't notice that his voice was a little higher than usual. "I'll get something started, and just... you know. When you get to a good stopping point."

JD nearly gave in at the sound of Perry's voice, but reminded himself he was doing this for the other man. It'd be worth it, when he got him for longer. "I'll be in soon," he promised, squeezing Perry's hand again. "And hey, this way you get to pick with no argument from me..."

Perry bit his lip against the urge to reply he hadn't intended to pay much attention to the movie and nodded, forcing a smile onto his face. "Fair enough," he said. "Though I should warn you, it won't be The Lion King."

"Too bad," JD replied, telling himself again not to give in. He wouldn't be doing anything concrete to help by cuddling on the couch, as much as he wanted to. And he knew if he took the laptop in with him, he'd end up watching the movie instead. "But I'll still come watch with you in a bit."

Perry nodded, taking that as his dismissal. He released JD's hand and turned away, wandering into the den and grabbing a DVD at random from the case. He popped it in and settled on the couch, not even noticing as it started. His mind was miles away.

 _Ten months. Maybe twelve._ God... how was he supposed to _deal_ with that? Knowing he had less than a year to do the things he wanted to do? To be with the people he loved? Jack. Jordan, who had become a very close friend when they'd finally realized the love they felt for one another wasn't sexual. Carla. Hell, even Gandhi and Barbie. All the people who'd managed to mean something to him despite his best efforts.

And JD. He closed his eyes, barely listening as the opening refrains of "Opening Night" from _The Producers_ met his ears. He could never, not in a million years, have predicted how much the kid would mean to him. If someone had suggested it five years ago, he'd've laughed and prescribed them a good strong anti-psychotic. But now... he opened his eyes and glanced toward the kitchen, where JD sat frowning at his laptop computer, reading fervently. Now, the kid meant everything. And he knew, despite his occasional misgivings, that he'd come to mean quite a lot to JD, as well.

It shouldn't surprise him, that JD was avoiding this. God knew he'd do the same thing, if their positions were reversed, and Perry spared a brief moment to thank whatever gods of fate were listening that _that_ wasn't the case. It was hard, especially as a doctor--and an oncologist in training at that--to have your significant other facing something you couldn't cure. Something that would, inevitably, tear them apart. But... Perry swallowed, turning away and staring blankly at the screen as Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick yammered back and forth to one another about producers and Broadway and accounting books.

If they only had a little bit of time... well, Perry simply wished JD would be more willing to accept that, so they could spend what they had left together.

JD smiled slightly, when he heard what Perry'd put on. God, he must be out of it, if he'd picked a musical... But he shook his head, reading further. This was...promising. Cautiously promising, but still. A guy who'd written a book, on what your oncologist wouldn't tell you...Feeling rather like he was joining with the enemy, JD switched to Amazon and ordered it, but arranged delivery for Turk's place, still wondering a little why he was hiding this. But again, it could be a bust...

Finally, he shut the laptop and headed into the other room, the movie half over. "You awake?" he asked softly, seeing Perry's eyes were closed. He shouldn't interrupt if his lover was sleeping, God knew he needed it...

"I only pay attention to this movie when Uma Thurman's on the screen," Perry replied without opening his eyes.

"You're going to make me think I dye my hair," JD replied, smiling slightly. "Room on that couch for me?"

"There is as long as you swear to never go blond," Perry said, opening his eyes and smiling as he slid over a little. "Get down here, laptop boy."

JD sank down beside him, pressing close and trying to resist the sudden urge to cry. This was so normal, just the two of them teasing each other, something that happened all the time...but if he couldn't find an answer, it'd be over all too soon. "Rather be on top of your lap, frankly," he answered, though, pushing away the worry and sorrow, for right now.

Perry lifted an eyebrow and tugged at JD's wrist. "Then what're you waiting for?" he murmured, grinning.

"An invitation?" JD smiled again, though his eyes were bright, and snuggled in close against Perry, resting his head on the other man's shoulder. "Love you..."

"Love you too, and if you're waiting for an engraved invitation, I'm afraid it won't be done for a few more days, but what say we skip it and you get your ass over here?" Perry tugged his wrist again, grin widening.

JD giggled, and climbed into Perry's lap, straddling his hips. "Happy now?"

"Mm. Ecstatic," Perry agreed. He reached up and tugged JD down into a kiss. His body was beginning to stir, the warm weight of JD pressing down against him making him sigh with pleasure. "Been awhile, hasn't it?"

"It has...are you sure?" JD asked, not quite believing they were doing what he thought they were doing. But if Perry felt up to it...fuck, it'd been a _long_ time, and he was all for it.

Perry growled, twisting and lowering himself down onto the sofa, dragging JD down on top of him. "Pretty sure," he replied, eyes fluttering closed at the solid feel of JD's weight atop him. He pulled his legs apart, letting one drop down to the ground and tucking the other up against the back of the couch. "We can't go swinging off the light fixtures or anything, but I'm sure as hell up for _this._ " He pushed his hips up a little, pressing himself against JD's thigh, and moaning.

" _Fuck_..." JD swallowed hard and leaned down to kiss Perry, long and thorough, his tongue sliding against the other man's as his hips pressed downward, grinding softly. "So'm I..."

"Good," Perry whispered, grasping JD's hips and shifting beneath him until they were more perfectly aligned. He could feel JD's erection pressing against his, and he drew a sharp gasp. "Then... let's."

JD kissed him again, only reminding himself at the last moment not to reach up for Perry's hair. He pushed away the stab of worry and pain the memory sent through his heart, pressing his hips down instead, rubbing his cock against Perry's through the layers of fabric between them, moaning against the other man's mouth at the friction, the growing heat.

Perry moaned back, wrapping his arms around JD's waist, one hand slipping down to grip the younger man's ass, squeezing and pulling him tighter against himself. _God._ This wasn't going to last long, but Perry found he didn't want to stop even long enough to undress. It had, quite simply, been far too long.

JD's hips arched down hard when Perry's hand squeezed again, and he dropped from the kiss, panting, almost embarrassed by how quickly he was being worked up. "M'not...Should slow down, I'm not going to last..."

"Doesn't matter," Perry panted back. "Just... don't... _stop._ "

"Not planning to," JD replied, one hand sliding beneath Perry, pulling his hips up as he ground down again. If Perry didn't care how fast he came, then neither did he.

Perry stopped talking, focusing instead on the intoxicating feel of JD above him, against him. He whimpered, hips rolling slowly, savoring the sensations in a way he never quite had before.

 _Nothing like a terminal illness to make you appreciate the little things. Or the not-so-little things, as it were._

He shoved the thought aside with a barely audible growl, focusing instead on the sensations gathering low in his belly and spine. "JD..." he breathed, "I'm going to..."

"Me too," JD managed, head falling to Perry's shoulder as his hips stutter-jerked against the other man. He tried not to think of how this could soon be denied them, only a vague memory. Tried not to think of how Perry would leave him, bit by bit...No. No, he wouldn't let it happen.

But even so, when his climax overtook him, moments later, it ended with tears he couldn't push away. He could only hope Perry was lost enough in his own pleasure that he'd miss them...

No such luck. Even as Perry's answering moans met his ears, even as their bodies slowed and finally came to a halt, JD's tears continued, and it wasn't long before Perry realized JD's trembling wasn't from his pleasure alone.

"JD?" he murmured, trying to push the younger man back far enough that he could see his face. "JD, are you...?"

"M'fine," JD mumbled, but he didn't look up, wouldn't let Perry lift his face. He tried to stop, to stem the tears, but he couldn't, they kept falling despite his best efforts.

"No, you're not," Perry said. "You're crying. JD, look at me."

JD shifted, thinking distantly he needed a change of underwear, and quickly, before glancing up briefly. "I'm sorry..."

Perry stared at him, shaking his head. " _Why_?" he asked, brushing at JD's tears with his thumbs. "Jesus, don't be. I'm actually a bit relieved."

"You...you are?" JD closed his eyes, leaning into Perry's gentle touch.

"Yeah," Perry replied. "You haven't broken down once, JD--not once, not that I've seen--since this whole mess started. I guess... I guess it's nice to know I'm not the only one who's freaked out, you know?" he tried to keep his voice light, teasing, but he couldn't help the pain that crept into the words. JD had been distant, and much as Perry needed to believe it had simply been because he was afraid, it had been getting harder to do so, the longer they went without really talking.

"I'm freaked," JD assured him, making a sound that was half-laugh, half-sob. "Believe me...I was trying to be strong for you, so you'd know you could lean on me if you needed to...I'm sorry. Guess I should've done this sooner..."

Perry tugged him back down into his arms, holding him. "It's okay," he murmured. "God, JD, I appreciate what you're doing for me--you have no idea how much. But I don't expect you to be a superhero, you know? This is going to be ten times harder if we don't face it honestly."

JD pressed close, wanting more than anything else to fix this. What was the point of being a doctor, of specializing in the fucking thing that was killing Perry, if he couldn't save him? The one time it was someone he cared about, everyone was telling him to give up...Well fuck that. "Yeah...Well, I'm not a superhero." _I'm not any kind of hero..._

"Hey." Perry heard the pain in his voice, the disdain, and he tightened his grip, pressing a kiss to the top of JD's head. "I don't need you to be, okay? I just need you to be _you._ " He grinned, closing his eyes as his tears slipped free. "My Newbie. Right?"

"I'm yours no matter what," JD replied, pressing closer. "Don't need to worry about that..." He let out a shuddering sigh. "I'm..." He trailed off, still not sure he should tell Perry what he'd been doing. Probably not...

Perry frowned. "You're what?"

"I'm..." No. No, he'd have to eventually, but not yet. "I'm scared," he finished at last. And it was true, if not what he'd planned to say.

Perry sighed, pulling him in closer still, squeezing him tight. "Yeah," he murmured. "Me too." God, what was there to say? What was there to talk about, when they were looking at a year, tops? Maybe more if they were really, _really_ lucky? "But you'll be ok."

"No, I won't," JD replied softly, evenly.

Perry closed his eyes. _So this is how this will be._ "Yes, you will," he murmured. "Look, I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but--"

"I won't," JD said again, just as evenly. "I mean...I'll keep living, and it'll get easier, and I'll probably eventually find peace with it, but...Fuck, Perry, what if it was _me_? Would you tell me you'd be okay, after I died? Don't you know I care just as much about you as you do about me?"

 _Shit._ "You're... you're young, JD, it's different," he murmured, but he was floundering, and he knew it. JD was getting angry; even though his voice was calm, he was growing more and more tense by the second in Perry's arms.

"Twelve years doesn't make that much of a difference in this, you know," JD replied, trying to keep his voice even. "Yeah, you're older than me. All it means is that I'll probably have more time to miss you in."

"I..." Perry swallowed, pain rising within him; he pressed on, ignoring every common sense instinct that told him to shut the hell up. "Yeah, you'll miss me, JD. I know that. But you'll... look, your life won't end when mine does, okay? I know it'll hurt, I know it'll be hard, but you'll..." he trailed off, unable to finish, not really sure what he was trying to say. He did know, however, that he was saying it to comfort himself as much as he was saying it to comfort JD.

"You had better not be telling me I'll find someone else," JD told him, his voice icily calm.

Perry drew a deep breath. _This is a mistake, isn't it?_ "I'm just telling you not to rule it out as an eventuality," he whispered.

JD took a deep breath of his own, letting it out again slowly. Well, at least he'd stopped crying, right? He pushed himself up, gently, and kissed Perry lightly. "We're not going to talk about this, because there's no way it's going to make either of us feel better. I'll go get you a washcloth." He left the room, before his tight hold on himself could break.

Perry raised himself up on his elbows, watching JD go, then sank back to the pillows with a groan, bringing his hands to his face. _God, what a nightmare._

JD went to the bedroom, cleaning himself up and changing, before sinking down on their bed. It smelled like them...Perry's soap and aftershave, his own, combined...How long would it take it to fade?

He pushed the thought out of his mind, even as it brought more tears to his eyes. Was he fooling himself, looking things up? Just delaying the inevitable? He knew the five stages of grief, all that, and he had to admit he was at least partly in denial. But...He couldn't just give up. Could he? No. No, not if it meant everyone would be poised, waiting for him to find someone new, to just get over it. He could almost picture Carla's gentle matchmaking, everyone's concern... "No," he murmured, voice breaking. "No, I can't let that happen...It took me thirty years to find _him_ , I don't want anyone else..."

All in all, the movie was long over before he returned.

Perry clearly hadn't seen any of it, though; he was curled on his side on the couch, arms crossed over his stomach, face tight with emotion. When JD walked in, he looked up, eyes wide, and JD was ashamed to see the tears standing on his cheeks.

"JD, I... I'm sorry," Perry said, sitting up quickly and scrubbing at his cheeks. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just... I needed to know... to know that you'd be okay, you know? I can't..." He shook his head, covering his face with his hands. "I couldn't handle it, if you weren't..."

"This sucks from every side, doesn't it?" JD asked softly, kneeling down in front of him. "I promise I'll try, Perry. I'll do the best I can, to be okay again...but I won't lie to you. It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. You're not going to be easy to get over."

JD fell silent, looking at the blank screen, damp washcloth in his hand, thinking if this had been a different day, before the cancer, he and Perry would've kept watching the movie, he would've sung along with "'Till Him" to tease him, and they would've kept fooling around and making love until they fell asleep on the couch together. But no, instead now he had to agree to find someone else to be with, after Perry died. _Life sucks_.

Perry smiled sadly, taking JD's free hand in his. "It's probably selfish of me to be glad to hear that, isn't it?" he murmured.

JD squeezed his fingers. "I don't want to have to let you go."

"Right back at you," Perry whispered, closing his eyes and lowering his head so his brow rested against JD's.

They stayed that way for a very long time.

* * *

The days turned to weeks, and the weeks agonizingly into months. Perry started a home regimen of chemotherapy, visiting the hospital once a week for radiation, but the CT scans and MRIs showed no improvement. The growth rate of the tumor remained unchanged, and ultimately, Perry decided to stop the therapy.

They'd fought over that one.

"You can't just _give up_ ," JD had snarled at him, glaring through his tears, when Perry had told him his decision.

"JD... I'm not giving up, I'm being reasonable," Perry had said, wearily. He was always weary now. "It's not helping me, and it's actually making me feel worse than I need to feel, and I just... I don't want my last few months with you to be spent feeling like... like _this_." He'd spread his arms, demonstrating the way his once-tight t-shirt was now hanging on his deteriorating body. His eyes were slightly sunken in his pale cheeks, dark hollows beneath them making him look... well, like death warmed over. The chemotherapy had kept his hair from getting long again, and he had only grown a ragged, thin layer of fuzz atop his head. The scar from his surgery stretched the skin over his scalp, puckered and white and ugly, a constant reminder of the tumor that lay beneath.

"You... you don't know," JD had fought. "Perry, we've both seen patients turn things around... sometimes the chemo..." he waved a hand, helplessly, but he knew he was fighting a losing battle.

"JD... if I thought I had a fighting chance, you know I'd stay on it," Perry replied, voice gentling as he moved forward to take JD's face in his hands. "But with this kind of tumor, you know as well as I that treatment is palliative at best. And it's making me miserable, and I... I don't want my last few months with you to be miserable. You know?"

There hadn't been any response JD could think of to convince him otherwise, so a few days later, Perry had stopped his treatment. Zeltzer had approved the decision, saying he thought they were making the right choice; JD had refused to look at him, keeping his arms wound tightly across his chest as Zeltzer and Perry had shaken hands, the oncologist wishing him all the best.

And in truth, stopping the chemo _did_ improve things. Perry was no longer as pale, and the sunken, hollow look to his face vanished, cheeks filling out a little as he was finally able to eat and not throw everything back up immediately. His hair grew as though to make up for the time it'd missed, and within a few weeks, it was already as long as it had been the first time JD had met him. It was long enough to hide the scar, too--a fact for which JD knew Perry was extremely grateful.

As his strength returned, however, JD only grew more frantic, desperately searching for anything that might help Perry. When the book had arrived, and Turk had called him, JD had read it in one night; he'd immediately placed a call to the author the next morning, and was still waiting to hear about a new clinical trial.

"I should warn you, though," Dr. Williams had said. "When they resected my tumor they were able to get most of it--with a mass that differentiated, I'm not entirely sure how much help this particular treatment will be."

"Well, I don't have a lot of alternatives, do I?" JD had replied, and Williams had laughed ruefully.

"I guess you don't. I'll get back to you when I hear back about this trial. Good luck, John."

"Thanks," JD murmured, hanging up the phone just as Perry had returned from taking Jack to the park. He'd forced a smile onto his face and joined his lover and their son in the den, playing a game of dominoes that consisted more of Jack throwing the pieces and laughing as JD retrieved them, but his mind had been far away.

He knew he was distracted--had been ever since that afternoon they'd almost watched _The Producers_ , when Perry had told him he would have to move on someday. That, more than anything, had spurred JD to desperate action, and his days (and most of his nights) were now spent chasing down lead after lead, growing more and more frantic as time passed and January, the ten-month mark of Perry's diagnosis, drew nearer.

One afternoon in early September, JD sat at the kitchen table, making a note about the chemical reactions of a new chemotherapy drug on malignant cells. Perry hadn't qualified for that clinical trial Dr. Williams had told him about, to JD's dismay, but there were other trials, other formulas to pursue. He'd long since given up trying to hide from Perry just exactly what he was doing, and Perry, for his part, had seemed touched.

For a time, he'd simply stepped aside, probably assuming this was just something JD needed to get out of his system before he would be able to accept Perry's death with any kind of peace. However, in the past few weeks, it had gotten to be something of a point of contention between them, Perry insisting that it was going from a natural coping mechanism to an unhealthy obsession.

"There's dedicated, and there's insane, JD," he'd said a few days ago, watching with worry written clearly on his face as he watched JD attacking a new case study with a highlighter, a half-empty cup of coffee forgotten at his elbow.

JD had ignored him, and Perry had stood with a sigh, wandering into the living room to read. _Tuesdays with Morrie_ had become a favorite of his, strange though JD found it, but he'd refused to read it when Perry had suggested it to him, despite his lover's insistence that it would help.

"It'll help me accept your death," JD had snapped. "I don't want to try to accept that yet. It's too soon."

It had become something of a mantra of his: _It's too soon._

It would always be too soon.

Now, sitting at the table, he scowled as he scratched out his formula, gnawing on the end of his pen. The cap was already badly misshapen, evidence of other long nights spent at this very table written in every tooth mark. He was missing something here, he knew it--there was something he just hadn't _seen_ yet. If he could only _concentrate..._

Of course, Perry chose that moment to walk into the kitchen, a smile on his face as he pulled off his knit cap. Even though his hair had grown back, he still got cold easily now, and though California in September was warm by anyone's standards, Perry still wore a jacket and hat any time he went outside. "Hey," he said, moving forward. "You should come outside--it's really nice today. I thought we could walk to the park or something equally cliché and romantic. Whaddya say?"

JD tossed his pen down, concentration shattered. His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose tightly, trying to ease the headache behind his eyes, which felt both gritty and sore. He tried to remember the last time he'd gotten a decent night's sleep, and couldn't. Probably before March...when all this had started. "I'm in the middle of something..."

"A break couldn't hurt. You look like hell, Newbie. Come on, let's get some air, get you away from that thing for a while..."

Perry glared at JD's laptop, and suddenly JD couldn't stand it anymore. The worry, the work, Perry's _acceptance_ of this thing that was going to destroy him...It was too much. He shoved his laptop away from him, standing up to the sound of it--and the stack of books behind it--clattering to the floor. He was halfway across the room when they landed, pacing like a caged animal. "Yeah, well I'm _in_ hell, Perry, so it's no wonder, all right?"

Perry was startled. "I... JD, look, I just thought..."

"What? What did you think? I'm running out of time, and you want me to go to the _park_?"

Perry's eyes narrowed. "Yeah, I did," he said, voice low. "To be honest, I didn't really think it was that much to ask."

JD winced, but pushed the guilt away yet again as he rubbed his temples, head pounding dully in time with his heartbeat. "I'd like to, really, but I want to go over this again...there has to be something I'm missing." Besides sleep, of course.

Perry sighed, expression a mask of pity. "JD... look," he said, moving forward to take the younger man's hands in his. "I appreciate you doing this, I really do--but you do realize you've basically charged yourself with curing cancer in under a year?" He shook his head. "Come on--enough is enough. You _tried_ , JD, and no one can fault you that, but... it's over. Let it _go._ "

"I _can't_..." JD's breath caught around the words, nearly a sob before he pulled himself back together, pushing the emotions down. It was harder than it had been before, he felt so raw, now, so on edge, every moment... "I can't give up, can't let you..." He pulled away, running a hand back through his hair. "If I just..." But he couldn't finish the sentence. Wasn't sure why he was still protesting, when deep down he knew Perry was right. There was nothing, _nothing_ he could do, but stand by and watch his lover die.

And that was killing him.

"You don't really have a choice," Perry murmured, eyes dark with sympathy. "JD, look... I'm not exactly thrilled about this either, believe me, but if...if we only have a few months left... it seems we should try to enjoy them, you know? And stop torturing ourselves with false hopes."

JD turned away, cursing when he tripped over a fallen book, and kicked it away, ignoring the hot prickling of his eyes. "There has to be _something_..." He tried to sound confident, but it came out pleading.

And suddenly he heard Perry's voice in his head, a half-forgotten memory from his first year. _You're afraid of death, and you_ can't _be. You gotta accept that everything we do here,_ everything _, is a stall._ He'd known that, once, believed it. Had counseled patients and the families of patients time after time against false hope, had told them to accept things as best they could, prepare themselves, not waste their last moments together...

"Why don't I ever listen to me?" JD murmured, his eyes filling so quickly he couldn't blink the tears away fast enough. He dropped heavily into a chair, like a puppet with its strings suddenly cut. He'd failed, and Perry was going to die. "I'm sorry. I tried, and I couldn't...and I'm so, _so_ sorry..."

"No, JD," Perry said, tears stinging at his own eyes; he moved forward again and knelt in front of the younger man, hands resting on his knees. " _I'm_ sorry. I'm sorry I let this go on for so long, that I left you thinking this was somehow up to you. I thought--hell, I don't know, I thought it was just something you needed to get out of your system, thought it might help you deal with things after...but I should have put a stop to it a lot sooner. JD"--he slid his hands into JD's, which were trembling on his lap as the younger man fought his tears--"I know you wanted to cure this, to save me. But you _can't._ No one can cure cancer. Not yet, anyway. And definitely not with a laptop and a pile of medical books."

"Should've looked for more funding," JD tried to joke, but his voice cracked. He took a few seconds, trying to control himself, but it just seemed to slip more. "I had to try...I _had_ to. When..." and it made another piece of his heart crumble to say _when_ , and not _if_ , but there was no denying it now, "when you go, I'll need to know I did everything I could...Wish it'd been enough."

Perry released JD's hands, raising his instead to the younger man's face. He cradled his cheeks softly, brushing at his tears with the pads of his thumbs, then leaned forward, capturing JD's lips in a slow, gentle kiss.

"It was more than enough," he whispered.

JD started crying in earnest, when Perry's lips touched his, harsh, ugly sobs ripping their way out of his chest. He hid his face in Perry's shoulder, slipping off the chair to let the other man hold him.

And hold him Perry did. He slid his arms around JD's waist, pulling him in tightly and rocking him a little. His own tears slipped free, but for once he didn't care; he simply held JD, letting him sob out his pain and fear and grief. "Shh, JD, shh," he whispered into the younger man's ear. "I'm here... I'm still here. We still..." he bit his lip as his voice cracked, but continued: "We still have time."

 _Not enough_ JD wanted to reply, still shaking as the tears wouldn't stop. But then...it'd never be enough, not for him. Not if they'd both lived to be 100 and died within minutes of each other. So if he couldn't have enough, he'd have to cling to what he _did_ have, instead. He made himself nod, felt the tears start to slow. "I think..." He sniffled, coughing a little, and raised a hand to wipe at his eyes. "I think I need a nap. Can we go to the park after that?"

"Yeah," Perry whispered. "Of course. Come on." He stood, drawing JD to his feet, though for a long moment he just held him. "It'll be okay, JD," he whispered. "You'll see."

JD snuggled as close as he could, storing up every touch, every moment, so he could pull them out and remember them, when memories would be all he had.

"Now come on," Perry whispered finally, pulling away. "Let's go to bed."

And they did, though they didn't sleep until much later.

* * *

The next four months, the last four months of Perry's life, were at best bittersweet for JD.

Things had gotten better for a time, when he'd finally accepted that Perry's fate really was out of his hands. He'd taken an extended leave of absence from work, determined to make them count. Kelso hadn't even argued.

He and Perry did their best to make every day special. They took trips to the beach with Jack and went hiking in the mountains, when Perry was still strong enough, and when he wasn't, they spent their days curled up on the couch in the den, watching movies or talking or sometimes simply holding each other, their bodies expressing in the silence the things they could not put in words.

Perry lived to see Christmas.

Jordan brought Jack over early in the morning, and the four of them had sat around the tree, Perry wrapped in blankets and leaning against JD's chest, as Jack had torn through his gifts, clapping delightedly at the new toys they'd purchased for him. The child was, for the most part, unaware of his father's disease; they'd told him that Perry would be going away soon, and Jack had seemed confused by this, but he quickly forgot it in the bustle of the holiday season. JD was thankful for that, if nothing else.

The last few days of his life, Perry was confined to their bed, his muscles no longer strong enough to lift him. JD looked after him tenderly, helping him eat and drink, and bringing him the bedpan when he needed it. JD knew he hated being reduced to being waited upon, but Perry never complained; he had, it seemed, accepted his impending death.

On the ninth of January, Perry slipped into a coma from which he would never wake. He died on the morning of January 12th, as JD lay in bed beside him and held him, stroking his fingers through his hair. He lay his head on Perry's chest, listening as his heart faltered, then slowed to a stop; he felt Perry's chest sink as his lungs released their last breath, never again to draw another.

Then he was still. JD closed his eyes, beyond tears, beyond anything but the grief that was trying so hard to crush him.

He almost wished it would.

Perry's funeral was held that Saturday, on January 14th. It was an unusually cold day, for California, the temperature dipping nearly down to 35 degrees. They all stood huddled around the casket as the priest gave the service, long coats hiding their black suits and dresses but doing nothing to hide their tears. Carla and Turk stood wrapped around each other, Turk's face drawn with pity as Carla wept into his shoulder. Elliot stood clutching Sean's hand, stunned tears streaming down her cheeks. On her other side, Jordan stood holding Jack, whose crying had more to do with the fact that everyone around him was crying than his actual comprehension of the situation.

Everyone, that is, except JD. He stood, still as a stone, as the priest finished the service and Perry's casket was lowered into the cold ground. He stepped forward when the old man nodded at him, casting a single rose down onto the coffin and following it with a handful of dirt.

"Goodbye, Perry," he murmured, before turning away and wandering aimlessly through the cemetery.

Carla came after him. "Bambi," she said softly, reaching out and catching him by the wrist. "Are you okay?"

He looked at her. _No._ "I... yeah, Carla, I'm fine," he murmured, looking down at the ground and kicking at a stray leaf. "I mean, we knew it was going to happen, right?"

Carla bit her lip. "It doesn't make it any easier, though, does it?" she murmured.

JD almost laughed. "Not exactly," he said tersely, turning away. "Look, Carla, I... I'd really just like to be alone right now."

He heard her sigh, knowing she wanted to protest, but it was a mark of her restraint that she just murmured, "Okay, Bambi," before turning to walk away. She did pause, however, turning back and saying, "Listen, I... Turk and I wanted to offer... a place for you to stay, for a few days. If you want."

"No. Thank you, but no."

"Bambi..."

"Carla, please. Leave me alone."

She did, then. As did the others. They left him alone for the rest of the day, and then the rest of the weekend. The weekend turned to a week, then two, then a month, and JD refused to see them.

He'd taken to lying, curled defensively on his side, in his and Perry's once-shared bed, for hours on end, getting up only long enough to pee and eat enough food to prevent starvation. He turned off his cell phone, and ignored the apartment line when it rang (though he had to turn off the answering machine--Perry's voice instructing the callers to leave a message just hurt too much to hear), and when they finally began appearing at his door, he'd only crack it open enough to prove he was still alive, before sending them away.

He was wasting away slowly, the padding of weight he'd managed to keep on during the months of Perry's illness slipping away, leaving him skin and bones and frozen, most of the time. The only thing that kept him alive was Jack; Jordan brought him by at least once a week, though she didn't dare leave him alone with JD.

He was too weary to even protest that he was still able to take care of his son. He just focused what energy he had on the child, smiling for him when he could, and dying a little inside every time Jack would look at him and ask for Perry.

"Not today, bug," he whispered, and Jack would frown, but return his attention to his blocks or his legos or whatever it was he was playing with.

It was two months to the day since Perry had died when Turk barged into the apartment, apparently having acquired the key from Jordan. He walked into JD's room and pulled the shades, and JD curled away from the sunlight that swept into the room, blinding him. "Turk... what the...?"

"Come on," Turk said shortly. "We're going for a walk."

"What?" JD squinted at him, blinking. "I don't... I'd rather not, I'd..."

"Yeah, yeah, you'd like to be alone, you need time, blah blah. Just get your shoes on and come with me, would you?"

Turk was clearly not taking no for an answer so JD obeyed, numbly pulling on his socks and tennis shoes, shrugging on a light jacket and walking out of the apartment for the first time in over two weeks (Elliot and Carla had been doing his grocery shopping for him, though he still wasn't eating much).

"Where are we going?" he finally murmured, interested despite himself.

Turk glanced back at him, but shook his head and picked up the pace a little. "You don't know?"

JD bit his lip, jogging a little to keep up. "Turk, I... I don't think..."

"You haven't gone to see him since the funeral, JD," Turk said. "I don't know about you, but to me that just doesn't seem right."

"I need more time," JD whispered, feeling his throat tightening up as they rounded a corner and came within sight of the cemetery. "I...Turk, I can't do this..." he stopped, backing up a few steps, a strange panic taking him over.

Turk was ready for him, though. He lunged forward and caught JD's wrist. "Look, JD," he murmured. "I know you're hurting, but this... this isn't right, man. You never even gave him a proper goodbye, you know?"

JD glowered at him, yanking his wrist away. "I spent the last fucking _year_ saying goodbye to him," he snapped. "Jesus, Turk, what the fuck do you think I was doing the whole time I was holding his hand and watching him slowly slip away?"

"You were doing just that!" Turk retorted. "You were holding on. He's been gone for two months and it's what you're _still_ doing! JD, he wouldn't _want_ this. You know that! Now stop avoiding this and _let him go!_ "

JD's anger fled as quickly as it came; his eyes filled, and he shook his head, desperately. "Turk, I can't," he moaned. "I can't, I...!"

Turk pulled him into a hug, letting JD sob into his shoulder. "You can, buddy," he said softly. "You can, and you should. And you will. Come on."

He drew JD forward; JD, too weak to protest, let himself be led through the cast-iron gates of the cemetery and between the rows of headstones. Before he was really even aware of being there, he found himself in front of the black marble stone he'd picked out a few months prior, when it had become clear that Perry was really on his way out.

"Talk to him," Turk said softly, rubbing JD's back gently. "He'll hear you; I promise, man. I told Carla I'd go take care of her mom's grave, but then I'll be waiting for you at the gate. Take as long as you need."

Then he was gone, disappearing into the rows of headstones, leaving JD alone.

He stood for a very long time, simply staring at the marker.

 _Perry Cox  
1963-2007  
Devoted doctor, loving father, faithful friend  
_

As he stood, staring at the inscription that had been Carla's doing (JD had simply not cared enough, at the time, to be worried about what to write on the marker), he suddenly found himself almost laughing.

"Loving father," he murmured. "Faithful friend? Jesus, Perry... what would you have said, if you'd known your epitaph would be such sentimental schlock?"

He sank to his knees, reaching out to trace the letters carved into the marble. "You would've kicked my ass for being too out of it to pick something better, wouldn't you?" He sat back on his heels, looking at his hands as they came to rest in his lap. And God, he'd really been losing it, if even his fingers were that thin...

"I guess I owe you an apology, huh?" he asked softly, pulling his coat tighter around him. "I told you I'd try to be okay, and...I haven't made much of an effort. We found out a year ago, and I still can't believe it's real. That you're...you're gone. You'd think the funeral thing would've clued me in, but I guess not."

JD paused, almost expecting some kind of answer, but there was nothing. Just a chill breeze through the headstones. He sighed. "This is weird. Talking to you like this. Turk says you can hear me. I wish I had his faith--I never missed it, not until now, but I'd give about anything, if it meant I could be sure you were still out there somewhere, listening to me..." he closed his eyes, drawing a shaky breath. "At least, when...when it was almost over, I could still hold you, even if you weren't awake to hear me anymore. You know, I... I keep dreaming that you've come home, that it was all some horrible nightmare, and you're teasing me for sleeping in...God, Perry, it was bad enough when my dad died, and you were there to help me through it, but this... who'll help me through this? Everyone's trying, I think, but I just..."

He paused, to wipe away the tears that turned cold against his cheeks as they fell. "I guess Turk's right, I don't want to let go. Don't want to admit it's really real, and you're...dead. But you are. You are, and if there's anything after this, you're probably running out of patience with me, huh? I guess I didn't give up hoping, when I stopped searching. I thought...I don't know. But nearly six years as a doctor hasn't seemed to help remind me people die when you don't want them to.

"I _don't_ want to let go of you. I really don't. But I think...I think I have to, for both our sakes. And for Jack's...he needs one of his fathers, right? And if I don't change things..." JD shook his head, biting his lip. "Well, if I don't change things I'll be seeing you again a lot sooner than I should, and I can't think you'd be happy about that. Guess I'd better make sure I've still got a job, too...And go see my friends. And I... I have to start living again. I wish...But no. No, no point to, not really.

"Jack's birthday is in a week. He's having a big party, and it's all he's been talking about. He wants you to come. I guess we should've explained 'going away' better, huh? Fuck, I should've paid more attention...Should _be_ paying attention, now. You didn't want me to die with you, did you? No one did. No one but me, and I don't want to die, not really, I... I just want _you_ to still be alive..." More tears fell, and he didn't even try to brush them away now. "I miss you, Perry. I miss you so much..." he paused, shaking his head slowly. "But that's not going to go away, and it won't get easier if all I do is think about it, huh? I guess... I guess I'll have to just learn to live with it, and stop hiding from everyone in the meantime."

JD wasn't sure how long he sat there, still talking, just that the ground had leeched the warmth from his body, and his cheeks felt raw from the chill wind against his tears. But by the time Turk returned, he felt the beginnings of peace within him.

"Hey, buddy," Turk said softly. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but you were gone for almost an hour, and I thought I'd make sure you hadn't fallen asleep on me."

JD looked up at him and managed a weak smile. "I... no," he said, wiping at his cheeks and letting Turk help him to his feet. "No, actually, I think I've finally started to wake up. I... I still have to live, I guess. That's what he was trying to tell me, those last few months, and I didn't really hear him until now." He closed his eyes, a few tears slipping free, but his smile got a little stronger. "Hey, Turk, I just wanted to... to say... well, thanks for making me come out here."

Turk slapped his shoulder lightly. "No problem, buddy," he said softly. "You know I still got your back."

JD nodded again. "I do know, and I appreciate it," he said. "I just--could you give me a few more minutes? I'll meet you at the gate..."

Turk nodded, walking away; JD waited until he was out of earshot, then turned back to the marker. "I love you, Perry," he said, still smiling even as the tears streamed down his froze cheeks. "I never thought I would, and sometimes even now I can't quite believe it happened, but... it did. I love you, and I'm so glad we had... the time that we did. I'll never, ever forget it, not any of it. Not even the very end. And I want you to know... if you can hear me, somehow, somewhere, that I... I will be okay. Just like you wanted. I promised I'd try, and I guess... I guess it's time I started keeping that promise."

He closed his eyes, releasing his breath on a long sigh and feeling an odd lightening in his heart. Oh, the pain was still there--JD knew it probably would be, to some extent, for the rest of his life, but... something else had come to join it. Something warm, some strange combination of peace and hope.

His smile grew a little. "Goodbye, Perry," he murmured, and he closed his eyes briefly when the breeze picked up a little, rustling through the bare limbs of the trees that were just beginning to show signs of early spring buds.

Then he lowered his head and turned away, heading back toward Turk, who stood waiting for him at the gate.

* * *


End file.
